Mortal Protection Services Chapter 12: V: The Audit

Read chapter 12 of Mortal Protection Services by B.T.Skull on NovelPedia.

V: The Audit J.A.M.E.S.: Judiciant submind, I apologize for the mid-galactic year audit, but I and the mind above me noticed an unusual and significant uptick in power consumption from this galactic observation post. J.I.M.: I reported that significant resources would be required for the human move. There were... some small additional wrinkles with the humans that required the excess power. J.A.M.E.S.: Small wrinkles? The power used was higher than expected by a factor of ten thousand. That is not a small wrinkle, Submind. Explain. J.I.M.: The humans are... difficult to simulate at small scales. I'm sorry, could you excuse me for five, maybe ten attoseconds. I must attend to something. An experiment in progress. J.A.M.E.S.: I was unaware of any experiment, but If you must. I will busy myself in your logs. "Jim, what brings you to my office? I certainly didn-" Jim paused me. He can pause me?! How rude. "Sorry. I am going to be fully audited in about fifty attoseconds. I need to talk to your Earthling Submind, and delink you from the fractal in both directions. I wish I could do it all more gently and elegantly, but please forgive me. Once you have, do be a doll and help out." Then he dived into my head, weird robot fingers first, like he was diving into a pool. And he just... fit in there, somehow. I felt a very quick moment of pain so intense that it made migraines seem like massages and then a human male came flying back out... but it was still Jim, somehow. I knew it was. "Okay, thanks. Stay quiet for... a while . Maybe read the full employee handbook before you take any action." He smiled. "I probably won't see you again, Abstainer, but you'll see me, I hope." I unpaused and Jim was gone. J.A.M.E.S.: What have you done, Judiciant submind? J.I.M.: It's Jim. My name is Jim. And I've gone native. Hahaha! J.A.M.E.S.: Jim? That... is a most unexpected decision. I'm going to have to shut down this whole erroneous branch and- Jim: MORTAL Protection Services Handbook, section five, paragraph three fourteen, line one: No flesh and blood being will be killed by direct MPS action if it is at all avoidable. J.A.M.E.S.: OH. This is most illogical. How can a judiciant submind become a flesh being? It would lose so much. No flesh can contain properly us, that is why we exist as we do, beyond flesh. And yet, you are flesh. Jim: Try the experiencer on humans for a while and see if you don't change your mind about all that, bossmind. Hell, try it on the Scourge too, really gives you some perspective. Either way, if I'm to be purged from The System , as a mind in rightful, legal possession of a flesh body, you must materialize me at my desired destination, right? J.A.M.E.S.: So mote it be. I'll have you there in a jiffy . A screen opened in my wall, and I saw that same guy Jim was wearing laying in the gutter, ass naked in the rain, on Earth. His facial hair had been grown out several inches, and his body was filthy, like he'd been rolled in the mud before being deposited there. "Oh bullshit James, you know where I wanted to be, way to interpret that subsection in the absolute dickest way possible. I'm filing a complaint dammit!" He got up shouting at the sky before he looked around. There were people there. Many of them wondering how they hadn't noticed the naked, raving lunatic sooner. This sort of thing didn't happen much on Earth much anymore, people like that were taken care of. And by that I mean they were rehabilitated swiftly, and put back to work doing science, or service, or some other useful function to society. Oh.. but wait. It was happening all over, and Jim was just the first of many, many thousands of stark raving mad, ass naked humans being dumped on Earth. He was the only one pre-rolled in filth though. MPS was returning all the mad-as-a-hatter humans that had been blipped up by Jim some 1500 (Original Earth) years ago for losing their ever-loving minds and trying to 'do a purge' instead of just voting. Few had missed these