Mortal Protection Services Chapter 31: VIII.FE : The Flying Euphemism

Read chapter 31 of Mortal Protection Services by B.T.Skull on NovelPedia.

VIII.FE : The Flying Euphemism Jimantha Jimsonson Sapphic Asemia The Edge of Scourge Space Ensign Yoto on my brother's ship was just way too fucking beautiful for words. I wanted to... use him as a chair, let's say... but Ingamar said no. We'd made a deal: for three days, I'd try to behave. He was no Steve. Speaking of sexy little places to sit, I'd tried to get my old paramour to be my velour captain's chair on the Sapphic Asemia, but he said I was 'lacking the proper plumage to have a chance of seducing him these days.' Bastard. I used my newfound captain's authority, and checked his personnel file. Not to stalk him but to... okay, so it was to stalk him... a little. I discovered he'd married, and to a feathered monoform. Double bastard. Ahh well, I guess Steve was off the menu... for now. Maybe I'd try to seduce his wife if we survive this excursion into Scourge space. She's a pretty bird. In the meantime, there were plenty of other folks aboard my ship that could help me enjoy myself. Most species of the FAP were present, and 100% of them were capable of being attractive, in my opinion. We had fourteen thousand something souls aboard, I'm sure someone would come along that looked nice. Not on the bridge though, the FAP gave me a bunch of highly-skilled uggos for a bridge crew. Well, half that and half my own subminds. A bunch of Jimoleans volunteered, and I put'em to work. Don't get me wrong, your girl loves to love herself... but that's a sort of advanced self-love that feels wrong. Nepotizing some as bridge crew though, that felt right. Anyhow, unlike my brother, I designed a ship that was both militarily effective and comfortable to live on. Spacious bunks that no one else had slept (and farted) in since you slept in them. The officers even had private bathrooms. There were multiple galleys, restaurants, and entertain-o-spheres. We grew food onboard too. If we got cut off somehow, we'd be able to provide food for ourselves and the Amish Papacies crew. I even had an entire module installed dedicated to making ice cream and snerftergle; between those two frozen treats, almost every species in the FAP was happy. The chefs in the galleys could whip up something for the remaining few that liked neither. Quick FYI, do NOT eat the snerftergle if you're considered mammalian. Technically not toxic to most... but even Dilt finds it foul. And worst of all, the taste will linger for literally weeks. Every time you burp, or fart, snerftergled. It's like awful prank food, but Jimbonk swears it tastes like ice cream to his mouth. Anyhow, my ship rocks. All known sentient life was properly freaked out by the Scourge. Finding a crew was no real issues, since I hadn't designed an ultra-utilitarian fucking space submarine. Collecting several thousand people together out of six hundred plus species was no issue. Lots of options. We also had a massive reserve of raw resources to pull from across the FAP to build it, yanking and jerking supplies from across 15,000 lightyears. Basically my only limitation was that it had to fit through a fleet-sized enfuckulator portal, same size as the SAMWISE's ring. Jimtarng, my comm's officer, finished coordinating with the beautiful Ensign Yoto, and we got the feed from Lt. Commander Berlin's helmet cam piped to us. "Alright. Captains are you both reading me now?" She asked. "Aye," my brother said. I echoed with my own, "Aye." "Good, lets hope these really are just some horribly unlucky, yet plucky humans." She didn't sound hopeful. We watched her view as the shuttle descended. My own ship was creeping in at low warp along the path the Amish Papacies had cleared. "Looks like there's evidence of some mining on the surface near here, several months ago. Traces of radioactive materials. Points toward them being real people, but I'm still approaching this with maximum caution." We dropped out of warp and there was a momentary blip in our view screen as we entered real space. Lt. Commander Berlin brought abou